Kitty as always, your articles variously press the right buttons, and pull the right levers, this one was probably all at the same time. Thanks for posting, I hope you won’t mind a lengthy response.

I also believe sex is an incredibly powerful driver, but nowadays it seems out of fashion for a man to say so, so I don’t normally talk about it much, and in public writing; only ever in response to you.

There was a time in my life when I believed that the urge declined in men throughout their thirties and forties, because that was what seemed to be required by my own circumstances of a marriage which eventually failed.

Looking back, it is easy to see spouse and I were mismatched, with me starting out having much higher expectations of frequency. All my adult life until then, mid thirties, I rubbed one out at least once per day, with or without help, preferably with.

Somehow I got convinced that was too much. I also got convinced that doing it on my own whilst married was kind of shameful, like some kind of evidence the marriage had somehow failed.

For a while, I managed to wind down my appetite accordingly, until frequency got to about once per month.

There was some respite about eight years into the marriage when I got convinced we should start trying for a baby.

A few years later, we succeeded, and the frequency went back to even less.

Then, after about 12 years together, along came a period of me working away from home. Eighteen months, commuting back at weekends.

Of course, alone with my thoughts in the evenings during the week, tossing and turning at night, I could not maintain the pretence that once a month or less was anything like enough for me. Empty hands began to find the devil’s work, at least once each day, once more.

But I never did enlist anyone’s help.

I still spent every week dreaming all the naughty things I was going to do with spouse when I got home at the weekend, in vain for most.

Once, after I’d been less than careful to ensure I never left any trace of evidence, she did find some. Disbelieving my honest explanation showed mistrust on her part, which then led on to real infidelity on her part, which was ironic.

I was soon ejected.

Very soon, (two weeks) being not unattractive myself, I hitched up with a very attractive new partner from a very sex positive country and culture.

Shame in libido quickly turned to pride in libido.

Frequency rebounded to several times a day, most days, though we were really mismatched in so many other ways.

This time I tried to ignore all those other things (like rationality, sanity, clarity, etc), managing that for about five years. Luckily I threw in the towel before one or the other of us had killed the other.

Since that ended, about five years ago, I’ve more or less got used to sorting myself out, realising that pride in libido is something very special. Respecting, and appreciating our natural inbuilt frequency is incredibly important, all closely linked to frame of mind, fitness, and general healthiness.

I also started learning and practicing salsa, finding that also very therapeutic and sex positive, in authentic afro-carribean style.

Subsequently I have no shortage of opportunities or skills to meet and physically communicate with new partners.

But in UK, I very rarely meet anyone I would go any further than just dance with.

For sure the right partner is out there for you.

Just as the right partner is out there for me.

Perhaps one day we will each meet our ideal others.

I like to think so.

Que Sera.


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