I can see the potential of the story to make a profound point, it is a subject I am deeply interested in, thanks for posting. But it seems to maybe fall short of what you might have intended?

It could maybe do with further clarification of the object of the race, and what the outcome was; the average interested reader, including like me, a systems Engineer of some thirty years, including working in Satellite systems with and Time and Frequency references, probably won’t know the details of any of St. Augustin’ s work, including the twin paradox. What does “winning” mean? did either participant age more than the other? Did both their watches display the same time after everything was done?

It seems a shame to have maybe spent time working on something which doesn’t get across the message intended. Perhaps building on it with a sequel, or part 2, would be useful for clarification?